Re Print: What I'm Really Thinking - The Austin Local

"But... there are some common feelings regarding Austin visitors shared by anyone who has lived here for a while"

16 Oct 2014

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Words by an anonymous Austin Local

Austin has been a popular destination for BMX travellers for years now, and this BMX rite of passage shows no sign of slowing down. Most of the people who live here aren’t originally from Austin, so we’re almost all visitors in a way, but there are some common feelings regarding visitors shared by anyone who has lived here for a while. I thought I’d share some insight into how we feel about this phenomenon. This is not meant to offend anyone or dissuade people from visiting the best city on Earth, just an honest collection of concerns gleaned from numerous conversations with like-minded individuals.

First, there is no need to freak out, raise the victory flag, and broadcast your conquest when you engage in sexual activity with one of Austin’s female residents. Mount Everbreast. You are not the first, you certainly will not be the last, and this activity has been going on with no respite since even before Road Fools 1. The players may have changed, but the rules and the playing field have not. If it makes you feel like a bad-ass, that’s understandable and we don’t begrudge you the emotional boost. But remember this, Romeo, she’s likely had a banger performed on her by someone more famous and more talented than you within the last four to six weeks. Sorry bro.

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Get your own plate, you hungry motherfucker, hands off ours. Go to Los Angeles with the rest of the performers.

Showing up in this town and visiting the popular spots is a longtime tradition and the locals are almost always very receptive and happy to show you the sights. However, with the growing concern for the immediate dissemination of footage in today’s cutthroat media atmosphere, knowingly one-upping a local at one of these spots is patently offensive. “Hey, just saying, rider X did the same thing here about a month ago, and he’s saving it for an edit and/or print article”. If someone tells you this, don’t steal dude’s spotlight and rush to get it out in the netherworld of BMX media as soon as possible. Get your own plate, you hungry motherfucker, hands off ours. Go to Los Angeles with the rest of the performers.

Do not piss off the cops or security guards. If it inflates your ego to verbally abuse these people, you have a problem and you need to seek professional help. Sure, they should be out stopping real crimes and arresting rapists and murderers, but their jobs often come with the requirement that they make your life a little shittier. The rest of us have to deal with these (admittedly annoying) clowns long after you’re gone, so try to be polite, follow their instructions without a bunch of whining, and move along when your time is up. Verbal combat with them just makes it worse for the rest of us later on, so shut up and get your ass to House Park. Want to know why the University of Texas is such a bust? Reread this paragraph, Macho Man

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If you choose to ignore everything up to this point, at least show a little empathy and listen up. Respect the people who keep the spots dialed. If you’re asked to lend a hand cleaning up or helping out somewhere, please do so without question. A lot of these people go far beyond what others can comprehend to keep the trails running, the backyard ramps maintained, and the skateparks clean. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty and help out. A perfect example is the recent Texas Toast event. If you can’t find a trash receptacle within 20 yards, that isn’t an excuse to just drop your trash on the ground. The cleanup of that event took days, so do your part and don’t make it any more difficult please.

We appreciate your patronage at venues like Shakespeare’s, Whole Foods, Dario’s, Veggie Heaven, and other popular places, but please, for the love of God, STOP INSTAGRAMMING PICTURES OF THAT SHIT. Yes, Shakespeare’s has those amazing pitchers of liquor and Whole Foods has awesome breakfast tacos. But to be completely honest, a thousand pictures of these wonderful offerings only serve to dilute their impact. Go to The Poodle Dog Lounge and try to take a picture of some of the regulars. Not only will the results be infinitely more compelling, but you’ll also more than likely rid us all of one more overly social-networked clusterfucking dumbass.

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We appreciate your patronage at venues like Shakespeare’s, Whole Foods, Dario’s, Veggie Heaven, and other popular places, but please, for the love of God, STOP INSTAGRAMMING PICTURES OF THAT SHIT.

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