20 BMX Riders You’ve Probably Met
From Stinky Pits to The Old Park Guy...
29 Jan 2017
Words Joey Spinoza
Due to BMX being an actual physical worldwide thing that reaches far beyond the confines of a keyboard, we feel that over the years, we've met almost every type of human being imaginable in our weird little world of bike riding. Some we've stayed friends with along the way and others we've drifted apart from... but they're all out there, being BMXers in their own way.
1. The ‘Negative Filmmaker’.
“Oh they could have really filmed that long lens” and “I don’t know why he’s shot that on 50FPS” are examples of the negative comments he may say while cross-armed on the sofa drinking a single bottle of reduced brown ale. It’s not un-common to discuss amongst friends the possibility of him walking into a school in a trench coat with a bag full of grenades.
2. The ‘Part Time BMX Guy’.
He plays 5 aside Soccer on a Monday night, he owns a dell laptop and he goes on his phone when watching full lengths videos. He may or may not drive a Toyota Prius that may or may not be insured by his parents.
3. The ‘Full Time BMX Guy’.
He films, takes photos, organises jams, makes zines, magazines, web-a-zines, edits videos, and has his own clothing brand, blog and parts company. His enthusiasm makes you feel tired and solitary inside. He is the guy you turn to in a bar at 1 am after spending the entire night having your ear chewed off about why Chase Hawk really left Odyssey and say “MIKE, FOR FUCKS SAKE MAN, CAN WE STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT BMX ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'M DEAD INSIDE”.
4. The Kook.
There’s a fine line between eccentric and nut cake mad. You will at some point meet a rider and he will be called something like ‘Eyeballs’ or ‘Juice’ and he will have a back catalog of horror stories that make you question your very existence.
5. The German Flatlander.
He is the only guy in the world who could ask to borrow a 6mm and it sounds like he is going to kill you. Big baggy trousers. Rides a KHE. Beaded necklace. You get me?
6. The Face Invader.
There is always one guy who has no understanding of the spacial distance between two men’s eyes, nose and lip zones. It’s like every time they go to talk to you they are going to kiss you instead.
7. The Product Nerd.
The product nerd has issues with holding another rider's gaze, its not because he’s autistic it’s because he’s constantly making mental notes about everyone’s bike setups. He doesn’t ride a lot; he just says things like “Still riding a cassette eh?” or “are those fork blades butted”? All you can do is look confused and ask him to fix your back hub.
8. The ‘That's Not Street'
“Nar he’s got a bobble hat on mate, that ain't street” is just one of the many ridiculous quotes to come out of this guy's mouth. This guy is so street he doesn’t ride street, he just posts photos of storm doors and rusty drainpipes.
9. The Old Park Guy.
Old park guy is super sweet, he always has tools on him and even though he’s like 48 or 56 he still has the newest frame from Cult. He’s always at the park at 9am on weekends and always does exactly the same tricks day in day out – probably a fufanu or a tire tap. Old park guy is the backbone of BMX, the quintessential component of our counter culture. He has a new wife because his old one was a bloody nightmare.
10. Chatty McFucking Chat-Guy.
You’ve been waiting for three hours to go ride the park but your housemates are incapable of successfully navigating the transitional corridor to the skate park. You finally get there and you just want to pump the spine with your headphones on but then you meet Chatty McFucking Chat-Guy and he’s just sat there surrounded by this typhoon of words that are discharging from his mouth. 35 minutes later and you can feel your eyes slowly weeping.
11. The “I can do that though” guy.
There is always one BMX rider who doesn’t understand why Nigel Sylvester gets paid to go all the way to Japan and shoot a photo of a hop barspin. He will say things like “I can do that though, why am I not sponsored?” and you’ll look at him knowing full well the answer is “Because you’re shit” and instead just say “I don’t know mate, I really don’t know”.
12. The Vlog Master; Master of all Vlogary.
You probably already know this guy; he probably already awkwardly tried to film you and just winced a bit. When you see him “at work” you almost sort of start to existentially wonder if the human race will ever hold a camera the right way around again. Ever.
13. The Manual Guy.
“There’s this guy at the park and he just does manuals or sits on his top tube smoking cigs, that’s all he does and it does my head in, what’s his point though, I don’t get it at all”? Calm down, remember everyone has, as much right as you do and they are all entitled to ride however they like even if it makes zero sense. At least that kid learnt to manual before he learnt to barrel roll.
14. The Tall Guy.
Tall BMX guys don’t last long in BMX, unless you’re David Grant, Chris Doyle or erm, er… the other ones, but in general they all have really bad backs and after about a year they throw in the towel. ‘Tall Guy’ probably rides a T-1 and is a great asset when passing bikes over giant fences.
15. The Bring Your Girlfriend Guy.
Like a couple of cream buns on a dusty shelf in a Parisian courtyard in August these two are just impeccable. She will sit patiently on a bench while he shreds a concrete park. Now and again she will raise her arms and let out a big old ‘WOO’ as she looks fascinated. Together they will leave, she will wash his pads and scrub his sweat stained chinos because love has no boundaries. They are just adorable. Sometimes they put out little Instagram videos where she shouts; “Go” before he does a trick. Truly, truly adorable.
16. The Salty Shop Owner.
This guys like an extra salty beef bagel with added salt. Loves a chat, complains about print not being a thing and if you’re really lucky he’ll tell about the time he showed a Pro a handrail (but he didn’t do it).
17. Positive Guy.
You’ve known him for 15 years and he’s never said a bad word about anyone. Then you find out he’s linked to that satanic pig sacrifice in the woods and it all starts to make sense.
18. The Drifter.
He’s not lost, he’s just on a journey that has no destination but is driven by hope and peace. He said that to you as he was wrapping some wet stones in a towel and all you could think of was beating him to death. He probably rides a T1.
19. The Exchange Student.
He came to study at Nottingham University in the UK from Malaga, Spain because he wanted to experience that “British culture” and in just one riding session consisting of two riders age 12 and a cyber Goth named Orion on a cold November evening - he’s already booked his flight home.
20. Stinky Pits.
You’re nodding now because you know stinky pits. You just know.
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