20 things every Pro BMX rider needs to do
The check list of all check lists
20 Nov 2016
Words By Joey Spinoza
Where would you be without a good old-fashioned checklist? I know where you would be - at the bottom of the crap pile begging for scraps and putting out B rated clodder on Vimeo. Well that won’t do, so buckle up and face the giant wave like the big Pro you are and check off the list below. Once you have completed each one you can say with a sense of profound greatness that you are in fact a true BMX Pro.
1. Smoke Cigarettes.
All Pro BMX riders smoke cigs, that’s a fact. They won't post it on social media and most of their parents don’t know either. So tick this one off, get the lungs full of it and move on sharply because it’s a shitty habit and you should feel terrible for endorsing it.
2. Listen to Drake.
I’m pretty sure this phase is dead but I might be wrong, download ‘If you’re reading this it's too late’, ingest it, tweet the lyrics, believe in it and then hate it.
3. Take your pegs off.
When you get deep into the final quarter of your BMX career you may have a phase that involves you taking your pegs off and embracing the “flow”. This is because you’ve lost your identity and you feel there’s a lot more to your game than just doing big crooks. Unfortunately your sponsors see this as a big negative that results in an instant salary cut.
4. Go to Simple Session and fornicate with multiple partners.
Part of the ‘Pro’ journey involves being flown out to Estonia, not qualifying for the finals and sleeping with at least three other human beings at the same time, irrelevant of their sexual preference.
5. Social media beef.
Start a small digital war from behind the screen of your smart phone - call someone out, big up yourself and then when you see him or her at a contest just pretend it never happened, shake hands and share a joke.
6. Tattoo of your brand.
Get a tattoo of the brand you ride for, this will then make it harder for them to drop you as they will have to deal with the emotional discomfort of the situation. A smart move in our book.
7. Get emotional about the planet.
You are not just a Pro BMX rider you are also an influencer - remember that. A time may come when you find yourself obsessed with saving the planet, eating healthy and preaching your ‘new found love and passion’ for the earth. Be strong, endure this period as best you can and minimize the food photos on Instagram to one per week.
8. Thank your sponsors.
“I just want to say a big thank you to all my sponsors” is a must. If you haven’t done this by now then you may as well drop that insta handle and start buying your own parts.
You don’t see me walking onto the tennis court at fucking Wimbledon and saying, “Sorry but I can’t do a backhand” and then expect to play in the final. There is no such thing as a Pro rider who cannot tailwhip. Bruno Hoffmann hates them, but he knows when to do them to get that ched. If you can't do this trick then you should ask yourself if you are really cut out for this shit.
10. Eat an avocado on the floor.
I know what you’re thinking? “I’ve not done this yet, and I don’t even like them - they don’t even taste of anything do they?” An avocado tastes pretty much the same as a small clump of saw dust or the end of a pencil. Put some salt on it, cross your legs and enjoy the floor of a Whole Foods car park because that’s basically your fucking life.
11. Follow the trends of your team.
If your are lucky enough to be picked by one of the ‘prestige’ brands out there then you will have to follow the trends of that team. I would suggest you start drinking heavily if WETHEPEOPLE pick you up, if it's Mutiny then you need to respect the earth / go pegless / love curved wallrides and if you are lucky enough to picked up by BSD then you need to learn to pretend to enjoy spending time in a very wet and cold Glasgow.
12. Try to rap.
This time will come, don’t rush in, pace your self and prepare for the hilarious fall out.
13. Turn down an offer from KHE.
Check your emails, it’s in there.
14. Sell stuff on eBay to pay rent.
If you’ve already taken your pegs off, you’re sick of avocados and the brand tattoo isn’t holding any weight anymore then its time to haul all your shit on eBay or Craig’s list. Your sponsors will hate this but for you it's just another nail in your own coffin.
15. Start a Vlog.
This list wouldn't be incomplete without you having to face the horrific ordeal of holding a camera the wrong way round for an entire day while you talk complete nonsense for 18 minutes. The minute you push down caps lock for your You Tube title it’s game over. Welcome to a brave new world.
16. An interview on BMX union.
No ‘Pro’ list would be complete without a lengthy interview on BMX union discussing life, aspirations and your favorite color.
17. Look tough when exiting a van.
We don’t like vans either, so why give them a fancy smile when you exit them. Keep it moody, this is your life - don’t be fooled into enjoying it.
One day you will find your self in a small dark and damp apartment, an elderly woman is laying horizontal on the bathroom floor and there is a strong smell of urine and burnt skin. You look down at your sodden trousers and think about the time you bitched that switch truck at El Toro, you think about how things could have been different. A band of small tears cascade down your cheek as you inject the thick dark nectar of an out of date avocado into a faint black vein in your foot.
19. Come back from drugs.
If you managed to live past number 18 then it’s time to bounce back, check your junk mail and reply to KHE. It’s time to get radical again.
20. Ride for a coffee shop.
After everything is said and done, the dust is firmly settled and you simply can not get a reply on any email you sent to any of your sponsors asking to re-arrange your 6am flight then it's time to grab life by the bollocks and pitch like you've never pitched before to your local barista. Coffee is still cool and it will be for another 7-8 years.
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