The ‘Sponsor Me’ tape days are long gone I am afraid. You try sending a VHS or a DVD over to a brand these days and they will use it as a paperweight or a coaster for those expensive lattes. Of course we've moved on considerably from those days, we hit the ‘Sponsor Me’ DVD era and then the ‘Email a QuickTime Video’ and then swiftly into the nightmare that is the last 10 years. Of course, If you're someone trying to get sponsored today in 2017 this opening monologue is mostly full of obsolete words and phrases and is making absolutely no sense so far.

So how do you really get a sponsor nowadays? Do you really care? Do we really care? Are you vlogging too much? Are you not vlogging at all? Is my toast burning? Am I thinking too hard? Regardless, here’s another super serious list (based on probability, minimal research and some alternative facts) as to why you’re not walking into Portfolio coffee house with a big swinging ego. I said ego… not penis.

1. You sent a direct message with a portrait format video of a 270 tap on flat to 76 different bike brands on Instagram with a comment saying “u goT sponzor me nOw, nEarly lern flipz 2”.

2. You once sniffed Sean Burns' seat at a PRO shop signing and even Sean Burns thinks you’re a bit weird.

3. You ride real smooth but you have a mouth like a broken fire engine siren.

4. You asked your first sponsor for $25,000 a year based on your 8k followers and it backfired. You quoted 'irreconcilable differences'.

5. You have no manners. Whatsoever.

6. You snaked Garrett Reynolds that one time, I mean really, come on? That's like explaining to your girlfriend you like 'Everyone Loves Raymond' and expecting things to remain normal in the relationship.

7. Your Snapchat account is a miserable vacuum of self-annihilation.

8. You snapped your frame and posted a picture on instagram while tagging the brand you absolute idiot. Future ruined.

9. You struggle to open simple things like doors or PDF files.

10. You stole Gary Young’s spare pair of grips when he wasn’t looking and everyone hates you because Gary Young is the nicest BMX rider on the planet. You are scum.

11. You are not from California. (Ooooh.. controversial!)

12. You sent an email that was 24 paragraphs long; it featured a full biography, dietary requirements, bank details and a list of contest achievements. It also included a run down of the current tricks you can do. Every brand that received it struggled to even fit it in a screenshot to show friends.

13. Your second name is over 10 letters and 4 syllables. It’s not marketable.

14. They found out you voted Trump.

15. You can do every trick invented but you have a face like a stewed tea bag or a burnt onion.

16. You asked your sponsor for a new bike while selling the old one on Facebook. You now have no sponsor.

17. They found out you voted Hilary.

18. You keep trying to MC on Snapchat and it’s just really cringe-worthy.

19. The ratio of selfies with your girlfriend to riding photos is way off balance. Things are getting serious.

20. You replied to zero emails and one text message per year during that time you did actually have a sponsor. The only way to describe this feeling is like having a toaster that doesn’t eject the toast, after a year of picking the toast out by your fingers and burning yourself in the process you finally snap and throw the fucking thing at the cat. Don’t disrespect the boss Mr Piece of Toast.